Once, Twice, Thrice, and Hedgehoglets:
A Tribute to Our Noble Language

by Jenn Young

Let's face it.
English is an odd language.
There is no egg in the eggplant,
No ham in the hamburger,
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
French fries were not invented in France.

When I was in first grade, we studied homonyms.  That is to say, we had the word "Homonym" in large gold letters at the back of the room, and took time out of each day to list new homonyms we'd thought of.  This has proven to have a lasting impact—more than once, I have caught myself thinking of homonyms for the next day, only to remember that I've been out of first grade for years.  More frequently, I have been emotionally traumatized after realizing that there was a homonym that we missed—e.g., due out of do, dew, and due.  And there was the day I realized that 'shoot' really does have a homonym—chute!

I should now explain that my early grammar lessons have affected me in more ways than my concern about homonyms; I have been preoccupied with language ever since.  I blame Ms. Davis for causing me to spend an entire day figuring out why extraordinary is spelled extra-ordinary.  (Yes, it took me an entire day.  I don't care if it took you less time.)  It's because of her that I could find our modern continuation of nauta (sailor in Latin)—it actually does trace directly to her class—for which I wrote a story entitled "The Nautical Feline."  ~~ Don't ask ~~

Are you one of the poor, pathetic people (like myself) who've argued about whether 'bimonthly' means twice a month or every two months?  Well, you were right.  And also wrong, because it means both.  Same principle applies to biweekly and biyearly.  Annoying, isn't it?  It takes so much longer to type 'twice a month'…

We sometimes take English for granted,
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

An oxymoron is a phenomenon in which two contradictory words are placed together, as in "genuine imitation".  The actual word comes from the Greek words for "sharp" and "dull".  Some phrases we use every day are oxymoronic—see if you can figure out these commonly used phrases.  Don’t worry, the answers are at the end of column: 

s _ _ _  bet
jumbo _ _ _ _ _ p
act n _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
sweet _ _ _ _ _w
unbiased _ _ _ _ _ _ n
still l _ _ _
m _ _ _ _ _ history
exact e _ _ _ _ _ _ _

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught?

Did you know that Great Danes were originally bred in Egypt?  Or that the Hundred Year War actually lasted 116 years (1337 through 1453)?  The Canary Islands aren't named after canaries—in Latin, it was called Insularia Canaria, or "Island of the Dogs".  Jordan almonds come from Spain—we get the name from jardin, which is garden in French.  Oh, and were you aware that Chinese gooseberries are from New Zealand?  Of course you knew that Ecuador makes Panama hats, and that catgut comes from sheep and horses.  But you will amaze your friends when you tell them that a camel’s hair brush is actually made from squirrel fur, and that King George VI’s first name was actually Albert.  If they in turn ask you, “What color is a purple finch?” naturally you’ll inform them that it is distinctively crimson.  If they retort, “How long did the Thirty Years War last?” – well, I’ll leave that one for you to figure out, using the great research skills that your years of homeschooling have bequeathed upon you.(*)

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down,
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out,
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
 

Observe the way this well-known passage of scripture evolved:

Old English (500-1100 AD):

Fæder ure þu þe eart on heofonum 
si þin nama gehalgod tobecume þin rice gewurþe þin willa on eorðan swa swa on heofonum 
urne gedæghwamlican hlaf syle us to dæg 
and forgyf us ure gyltas swa swa we forgyfað urum gyltendum 
and ne gelæd þu us on costnunge ac alys us of yfele soþlice.

Middle English (1100-1500):

Oure fadir þat art in heuenes halwid be þi name; 
þi reume or kyngdom come to be. Be þi wille don in herþe as it is doun in heuene. 
yeue to us today oure eche dayes bred. 
And foryeue to us oure dettis þat is oure synnys as we foryeuen to oure dettouris þat is to men þat han synned in us. 
And lede us not into temptacion but delyuere us from euyl.

Early Modern English (King James version) (1500-1800):

Our father which art in heauen, hallowed be thy name. 
Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth as it is in heauen. 
Giue us this day our daily bread. 
And forgiue us our debts as we forgiue our debters. 
And lead us not into temptation, but deliuer us from euill. Amen.

Perhaps you happened to glance at the title of this article and are now ready to throw up your hands and scream, "Okay, fine, but what about the hedge-ho-hadge—whatever!  And what do you mean by  “once, twice, thrice”?" 

Those are very good questions.  Therefore, I plan to answer them.  According to askoxford.com, “once, twice, and thrice” is as far as the sequence goes.  This despite the fact that the sequence “primary, secondary, and tertiary”  just keeps going, and going, and going…and eventually includes “quaternary, quinary, senary, septenary, octonary, nonary, and denary.”   

Now that you have been enriched by this knowledge, I shall proceed to explain about hedgehoglets.   I’m sure you have been wondering for quite some time:  “Is there a word for a baby hedgehog?”  Well, lose sleep no longer, my friend.  Apparently, until recently there was no word for a baby hedgehog.  This was, of course, unacceptable.  And thus there came into being two terms for said creature, hoglet and hegdehoglet.  If you're anything like me, you're staring at the paper in awe, completely amazed.  In a reverent whisper, you're wondering, "And I care, why…?"

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible,
But when the lights are out they are invisible.
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts,
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.

Parting is such sweet sorrow, dear readers. I am going now.... I bid you all a very fond farewell. Goodbye.

Cheerfully and with great grace,

by Jenn Young

Answers to oxymoron quiz:  sure bet; jumbo shrimp;  act naturally;  sweet sorrow; unbiased opinion; still life; modern history; exact estimate. 

(*) Thirty years, of course, from 1618 to 1648.

Credit is due to Reader's Digest, Dec. 2002. Also, thanks to:  http://www.gcfl.net, whence came the facts about Jordan almonds and such oddities.  (In other words, if it's wrong, it's their fault.)  I also got the poem (by Anonymous) from GCFL.  And, of course, thanks to askoxford.com and wordorigins.org.  This article was originally published in the UHEA newsletter, February 2003.