Behind the Curtain

by Jenn Young

Fouler Things than Orcs:

A Politically Incorrect Love Story

How many of you own water guns?  How many of you have used them on total strangers in the middle of December?  Stop looking at me that way, because I never have.  No, but not for lack of desire.  It was December 17 2002, eve of the release of a long-expected movie.  And they were sold out of tickets.  Sold out!  For dramatic emphasis, I once more repeat, THEY WERE SOLD OUT OF TICKETS!  If I were but a few years older, and could legally drive to the theater, the people in line would have been very wet and very cold and very angry people.  (But hey . . . I would rather be wet, cold, angry and in line for The Movie than dry, warm, and heartbroken at home.)  Thus, we must conclude, there are in existence sentient beings fouler than Orcs: those miserable, pathetic, cheating lifeforms who had tickets for opening night.

By the time this column comes out, many of you will have seen Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.  I plan to see it at least thirteen more times; my parents haven't been informed of this yet, but I'm sure they'll have no objection.  Stop sniggering like that.  I have seen it several times already—I love it.  It is my preciousssss.  But let's not go into that.  It was wonderful, beautiful, touching, magnificent, breathtaking, stunning, fantastic, amazing, brilliant, great, astonishing, dazzling, glorious, and splendid.  And also superb.  I've almost exhausted Microsoft Word's synonym list, so I'll stop now.  Basically, I liked it.

I know there are a few people who think I'm overzealous in my praises.  These poor, unfortunate souls do not appreciate the beauty of the camera work, the wonder of the acting, the perfection of the soundtrack.  That is very sad, but I'm sure that they shall eventually find the path to enlightenment.  Meanwhile, there they sit, shaking their heads at my fanaticism.  Heartrending.

For the rest of you, I have written this column.  Please note that it does contain mild Two Towers spoilers, probably won't make sense if you haven't read the books, and may not even then.

Let's talk about the Ents, first of all.  This is probably the most anticipated part of the movie, at least among the book-versed.  The Legolas-fangirls may have been looking forward to more awesome archery, but anyway.  My father assures me that he's been looking forward to seeing the Ents from the time he first read the books, "never mind how many years ago."  They were suitably unhasty, and it was great fun to watch them squish Orcs.  Go, Tree-Herders.

Merry and Pippin were so great.  That sounds inane, but they really were wonderful.  "It's talking Merry, the tree is talking."  "Don't talk to it, Merry.  Don't encourage it!"  Aah, the happiness that is comic relief.

I did leave the theater with a few burning questions:  Will Gimli continue his promising career as a stand-up comic?  Has Legolas started a new fad?  Will the world be filled with shield-skating people?  Do my readers understand what I'm talking about?  No?  Well.  During the fight at Helm's Deep, Legolas skates down the steps on a shield.  Normally, this wouldn't bother me.  However, after having seen it in the preview, my brother had attempted the same stunt on our stairs, except that he used a box instead of a shield.  As he lacks the Elvin grace and sense of balance necessary for such an endeavor, he ended up in a lovely little heap at the bottom.  Owie.

There were new characters—lovely, lovely new characters.  (Don't look at me that way—Faramir's my third favorite character, with Sam as second and Boromir as first.)  There were also a few unlovely new characters…Wormtongue comes to mind.  Freaky, freaky person.  And what's more, despite the facts that his skin is pasty white, that he hisses when he moves, and that he has greasier hair than Aragorn, Wormtongue actually does have a few fangirls.

(Pause for shocked and traumatized silence)

Yes, you read right.  He has very few fangirls, but they are quite fervent.  One of them wrote a long essay on why she likes Wormtongue, a few others answered that she was absolutely correct, and all their readers quivered in abject horror.

Anyway.  On to less painful subjects. . . .

I'm sure most of you are tired of hearing about Gollum, but bear with me.  Gollum was incredible:  "Master is our friend!"  "You don't have any friends."  "Why’s you crying, Sméagol?"  "Cruel men hurts us.  Master tricks us!"  "Of course he did.  I told you he was tricksy!" 

The dual-personality sequence seems to be the universally favorite part of the movie. I was talking to a girl about the movie, and she mentioned that it was her favorite part.  We were suddenly surrounded by a group of girls saying, "Ooh!  Mine too!"  How they managed to say it exactly in synch I will never know.  But they did, and I decided against mentioning that it wasn't mine.

Now, put that sword down.  Swords are dangerous things—they hurt people.  No, I won't take it back.  No, it's not my favorite part.  My favorite part of Two Towers always has been and always will be the split-second view of Boromir.  Yes, there is one.  Don't contradict me.  It's right at the beginning, when they're on Khazad-dûm.  We saw Boromir, very briefly, but it was definitely Boromir.  (Cue to bawl.)

Speaking of bawling, there seems to have been quite a stir over Haldir's demise at Helm's Deep.  You know Haldir, the guy who insults Gimli in Fellowship by saying, "The dwarf breathes so loud we could have shot him in the dark".  There has been a sudden swell of Haldir fangirls, mostly girls who have no idea that he didn't die in the books.  (You know who you are.  And now you also know that he really isn't dead.  Haldir lives!) 

He couldn't have died, at least not at Helm's Deep, because there were no elves there, Legolas excepted.  There were no elves, and none of them died.  I sound very bitter about this, don't I?  But I'm not—I'm one of those less fanatical fans who doesn't mind that there were deviations from Tolkien's plot.  In fact, I wouldn't have minded if they'd made one admittedly major change in Fellowship, and let Boromir live.  (Pause while I duck frying pans and other assorted Heavy Objects.)

Wait!  Boromir isn't dead.  No, he was just stunned; you see, Aragorn neglected to take Boromir's pulse and be SURE he was dead, and just sent him down the waterfall, still alive.  Yes.

And don't tell me he is dead, because I have a water gun and I'm not afraid to use it.

            Parting is such sweet sorrow, dear readers. I am going now . . . I bid you all a very fond farewell. Goodbye.  See you next time in the pages of history ~~ and preferably behind me in line.

Cheerfully and with great grace,

by Jenn Young