Hitting the Homeschool Wall

by Holly Richardson

Dealing with Perfectionism

You have days where you look at your house and wonder if it
will ever be clean. The dirty clothes pile could be called "Mt. Never Rest," (one of my friend's titles for it). Your teens are "pulling" you one direction, your baby another, and the middle ones yet another. You have a child who is wonderfully self-motivated -- a "poster-child" for homeschooling -- and then you have another who drags himself through the day, working so slowly that by the end of the day, almost nothing was accomplished -- again.

You have either been homeschooling long enough that your detractors have finally given up, or, you are being worn down by the constant barrage of reasons not to homeschool. You look around you and start to think you can do no more -- maybe you should send your children to public school. If this sounds familiar, you've hit the "homeschool wall"-- or, in other words, you're probably burned out.

Burnout is a state of mind and body. It is insidious - it creeps up on you as a result of cumulative stress. No one ever "burnt out" in a day! Some stress can be good - it can keep our senses sharp, our minds quick. However, we are not designed for cumulative, unreleased stress. Stress-related physical ailments can include chronic headaches, backaches, insomnia, ulcers, heart disease, depression and even some forms of cancer. It is accompanied by feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and apathy and involves a negative self-concept. At the beginning of "burnout," everything is "my fault," then progresses to everything is "their fault".
 

A case-specific form of burnout is compassion fatigue. More frequently seen in women, some of the risk factors are listed below:

• having high ideals
• working in emotionally taxing areas
• being humanitarian
• delivering yourself as your service
• being sympathetic, helpful, committed and
  "other" centered
• having asymmetrical relationships (usually
  giving more than you receive)
• being achievers - sometimes super-achievers -
  who need to "do everything"
• having a friendly, "helper" personality
• doing something that goes against the mainstream and which can cause others to question and/or reflect upon their own beliefs
• wanting to change the world
• thinking that service to others brings its own reward

You may not fit into all these categories like I do, but I'll bet some of these hit uncomfortably close to home! Burnout does not happen to apathetic people -- you have to have been on fire at one time in order to burn out!

As we look at coping with, preventing and overcoming burnout, there are seven different areas where we can have or can develop coping skills. They are spiritual, mental, family, physical, diversion, interpersonal and negative.

For spiritual coping skills, you may find things such as prayer, meditation, faith, surrender (letting go, not giving up) and worship. Mental coping skills include time management, problem solving, re-labeling, organizing and imagination. Family coping skills can be balance, togetherness, flexibility, networking, esteem building and conflict resolution. Physical outlets for stress may include vigorous physical activity, relaxation, appropriate nourishment, and biofeedback. Diversions as a means of reducing stress are many and can include learning something new, listening to music, working on a different project, taking a mini-vacation, hobbies, playing, fantasizing or even sleeping.

Interpersonal coping skills include giving and receiving positive feedback, physical touch, being able to express oneself verbally and setting appropriate limits on potentially negative interactions. Negative coping skills (and it's normal to have a few of these!) include over-indulgence, revenge, swearing, tantrums, fault-finding, worrying, denial, drugs or alcohol as an escape, gambling, compulsive shopping and more. As you look at this list, I encourage you to find some new coping skills and start using them!

In addition to these skills, it is also vitally important that you have a support system. According to the authors of Burnout: From Tedium to Growth, there are six areas where we need to be supported. Most often, having just one person as your support system is inadequate - no one can meet all of these needs! The six areas are listening, technical appreciation and support, technical challenge, emotional support, emotional challenge and sharing social reality. Listening means someone who will listen without giving advice or making judgments, someone who shares your joys and your pains, your frustrations and your failures and the day-to-day details. Technical appreciation is someone who is familiar with what you do, who knows what skills you need to do your job and who appreciates what you do. Technical challenge requires someone who knows your "job" well enough to tell you that you need to make some changes, or give you suggestions about what skills need improving. They are very supportive as they do this, not critical or humiliating.

 Emotional support comes from someone who can support you in difficult situations, even if they do not agree with you. They are unconditional in their support and love. Emotional challenge means someone who can "ground" you as you are going off the deep end! They are removed enough from your situation that they can see a more "realistic" picture of what is going on, and are usually not right in the trenches with you. Finally, sharing social reality means that this person is someone who can tell you are not crazy, that you're on the right track, that you are not the only person who feels the way you do and that you belong to a "group". They "get it".

You may not need the same amount of support in each area, and the
amount you need will probably vary over time. You may also be able to think of several people who can and will support you in several areas -- that's great. You need to know where you can turn for support!

Now, how can this information be applied to homeschool? Here are some ideas - I hope you'll have more!
 

Nurture yourself! First and foremost, take care of you. It's a cliché, but you can't draw water from an empty well. Learn about something you've always wanted to know or do, indulge yourself, read for pleasure, create something -- in the kitchen, at your sewing machine, with your scrapbooks, or your art supplies or anything else.

Tackle a project that has been hanging over your head - the sense of
accomplishment will carry you a long way! Have a "girl's night out" with some close friends - or better yet, a weekend out! Get enough sleep (you may have to have some extra help for this one!). Eat well. A little chocolate is good for the soul, but we can't really function on just that, much as we might like too! Make sure your spiritual "grounding" is solid.

Try something new in your homeschool. Not something that will add stress, but a change of pace. Take a day off, go up the mountains, to a lake, or the seashore, be in a movie together (a "real" one, or a family one), go to a movie together, spend all day doing "kitchen science," go to a museum you haven't been to before, pretend you're a tourist in your own town and go to some of the places you never get to just because you live here, plan a pretend vacation (or better yet, a real one), set up a tent in the back yard and go camping - look at the stars that night and learn about constellations. The list is endless!

Use humor -- it can really help refill an empty well. So, you can have a day where everyone takes turns telling jokes, watch some old, really funny movies, pretend to be clowns with clothes and make-up, watch "America's Funniest Animals," get old blooper tapes from the library, tell funny family stories, tell your kids about some of your most embarrassing moments (that are funny now, of course) -- just laugh and laugh and laugh!

If you can, take a vacation. Think about going somewhere besides your home -- we've even taken a hotel break as a stress-reducer, just down the street from where we lived! Get away from your source of stress. If it's the housework, go somewhere where you don't have to do much for a while - there's not a lot of clean-up required in a tent. If it's schoolwork, take a vacation from "school" and do something else that's fun and interesting. If it's your kids, take a vacation by yourself, even if it's just for a day. You can do a vacation at home, too. "Go" to the seashore, even if you live in the desert-- beach towels on the floor, picnic lunch, read stories about oceans, whether about tide pools, or "Moby Dick," make "starfish" with paper, cut your tuna sandwiches into star or fish shapes, or play in the sprinkler (if you're "going" in the summer). "Go" to France for a day -- croissants, French bread, pastries, Brie -- how about escargots? (They're not that bad - really!) Talk about Van Gogh, paint sunflowers or a starry night, build an Eiffel tower with
toothpicks, -- you get the idea. You can create a multitude of environments with a little imagination.

Get your family involved in a service project. This could be an on-going one (making hats or crocheting leper bandages for humanitarian donations), or a one-time thing (helping the Forest Service plant trees one Saturday, painting a friend's house or yard clean-up for the neighbor). It may become an annual tradition, like serving dinner at the homeless shelter on Thanksgiving or Christmas, but hopefully, you'll find opportunities to serve more frequently than just at the holiday season.

Get involved with people who share your social reality -- join a homeschool support group -- even an on-line one, go on homeschool field trips, join a co-op, join or start a "play group" with like-minded Moms, develop a friendship with just one person, or several. Don't let this be a source of additional stress, though -- if you feel it's going that direction, don't be afraid to look for support elsewhere.

Don't give up!!! You can do it.

~~Holly Richardson~~