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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up "Yeah, right."

Behind the Curtain Humor

Compiled by Jenn Young

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Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I came, I saw, I had no idea what was going on, I left.
One day your prince will come; mine just took a wrong turn, is lost, and is too stubborn to ask directions.

Madness takes its toll;
please have exact change.
This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
"Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk." Bruce Wagner, age 13

 

Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Simon says stand! Simon says sit! Format drive C:! Ha! Gotcha!

 

"Daddy, what does 'FORMATTING DRIVE C' mean?"

 

Q: What would you do if a witch, an alien, Count Dracula and Frankenstein were at your door?

A: Hope it was Halloween.
 
Just to prove that you should be watching the road, I'll be slamming on my brakes right... about... NOW!

Ways to Annoy and Scare Anyone Over the Telephone

 


 

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

CONGRESS.SYS corrupted; Re-boot Washington D.C.?  (Y/N)

Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups.

Friends don't let friends use Windows.

Whatever you delete today, you need desperately tomorrow.

Windows Error: 001 - Windows loaded. System in danger.

Windows Error: 002 - No error yet ...

Windows Error: 003 - Operator fell asleep while waiting.

Windows Error: 004 - Erroneous error. Nothing wrong.

Windows Error: 010 - Reserved for future mistakes

Windows... just say no!

Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

How about never?  Is never good for you?

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I'm really very easy to get along with, once you learn to see it my way.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I like you.  You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm trying to visualize you with a personality.

Chaos, panic and disorder.  My work here is done.

How do you set a lasar printer to stun?

A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

-See www.quotemeonit.com, the taglines section.  Also, http://www.gcfl.net.

 

 

Dedicated to my dad:

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

 

I don't think I'll ever have mother's intuition.
My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month-old nephew.
I said, "What do I do if he cries?"
She said "Give him some vegetables."
It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.

 

World's shortest blues song:
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

 

"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."
-Dorothy Parker

 

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist. Here's what happened:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So it is possible that he was still alive?
Coroner: No.
Attorney:  Why not?
Coroner: Because his brain was in a jar on my desk.
Attorney: But it is possible he wasn't dead?
Coroner, losing patience: Well, yes, I guess it's possible that he's still alive and is out practicing law somewhere.

 

Signs:

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a fence:
"Salesman welcome...dog food is expensive."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."
 

 

A man noticed a group of boys surrounding a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is a neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the man was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the man was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog.

 

Four expectant fathers were in the hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!"

"What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Twin Star Enterprise!"

The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!"

"Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation!"

When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.

"Another coincidence! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask, "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong?! I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmations!"

   

Why Public Schooling Is Better Than Homeschooling (author unknown)


  1. Most parents were educated in the underfunded public school system, and so are not smart enough to homeschool their own children.
  
  2. Children who receive one-on-one homeschooling will learn more than others, giving them an unfair advantage in the marketplace. This is undemocratic.
  
  3. How can children learn to defend themselves unless they have to  fight off bullies on a daily basis?
  
  4. Ridicule from other children is important to the socialization process.
  
  5. Children in public schools can get more practice "Just Saying No" to drugs, cigarettes and alcohol.
  
  6. Fluorescent lighting may have significant health benefits.
  
  7. Publicly asking permission to go to the bathroom teaches young  people their place in society.
  
  8. The fashion industry depends upon the peer pressure that only public schools can generate.
  
  9. Public schools foster cultural literacy, passing on important traditions like the singing of "Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg..."
  
  10. Homeschooled children may not learn important office career skills, like how to sit still for six hours straight.
  

"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.

"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!".

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room."

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen is in Trouble:

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings with an electrical diagram.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

THE RULES OF HOUSECLEANING

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

 

 

Let's face it.
English is an odd language.
There is no egg in the eggplant,
No ham in the hamburger,
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
French fries were not invented in France.
 

We sometimes take English for granted,
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
 

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
 

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
 

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down,
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out,
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
 

English was invented by people, not computers,
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all).
 

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible,
But when the lights are out they are invisible.
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts,
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.

 

 


What I've Learned:

1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.
 

2. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
 

3. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above- average drivers.
 

4. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
 

5. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
 

6. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
 

7. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
 

8. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
 

9. If a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
 

10. You should not confuse your career with your life.
 

11. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
 

12. No matter what happens, somebody will take it way too seriously.
 

13. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
 

14. Your friends love you, anyway.
 

15. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance!

 

Leo and Sam exited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key which was in the ignition.
 

Realizing the mistake, Leo asked, "Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it."
 

"No, that won't work" answered Sam. "People will think we're trying to break in."
 

Then Leo suggested, "What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?"
 

"No," said Sam. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger."
 

"Well," sighed Leo, "we'd better think of something fast. It's starting to rain, and the sun roof is open!"

Tons of thanks is due to the marvelous people who originally posted all these quotes, and especially to http://www.gcfl.net.

                                  

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

 

In the cafeteria on the first day of spring semester at Kent State University, I saw three students hard at work on their calculators. Stunned that they had received such an obviously tough problem so early in the semester, I asked them what their assignment was. 
 

One girl looked at me and replied, "We're figuring out how many days until spring break."

 

Another two hours later, and Draco was trying his best to slink out of the store. Using all his Death Eater and Resistance training, he quietly edged towards the door, begging Ginny silently not to remember he was there. Ginny, who was looking at an ugly brown couch with rapt admiration, stroked the arm of the couch and muttered to herself about peanut butter and pickles. ‘That’s right…keep talking to the ugly piece of crap…ignore me… I’m not her… you certainly didn’t bring me with you this time…’ when she jerked her head up, spun around rapidly, and fixed Malfoy with a very toothy grin.                

“Oh hoho, not so fast, little boy. I’m not letting you off that easily.”                         

Draco groaned silently and cursed the squeaky carpet.--When I remember whose this is, I'll tell you.

 

 

A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.
The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way.
Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.
The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look, that's the character who climbed into the car while we were pushing!"

 

An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work.  She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter?"

 

Top Ten Things to Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like:

10. Hey! There's a gift!

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:

1. "I really don't deserve this."

 

 

Super Grannie: Defender of Justice

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, she found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you scumbags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

 

Nine Ways NOT to Start Your Police Report:

(From American Police Beat, a magazine for cops)

1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ...

2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent ...

3. The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire ...

4. Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout-outs" for my homeys in the command staff ...

5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind ...

6. Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end.

7. Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly...

8. The suspect then tried to assualt me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist ...

9. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ...